Satan Rules! Or not. — Adirondack Teens Flummox Parents
By Scott Salad
Published November 17th, 2014
Satanic Bonfire in the Adirondacks
INDIAN LAKE — Parents living in the bucolic Adirondack Hamlet of Indian Lake are struggling to understand their teenagers. Specifically, why they don't worship Satan like they did when they were kids.
Big Bob Headley, father of seven and proprietor of Headley's Feed and Weed on Rte. 30, finds the downturn in apparent ritualized Satanic events over the past decade disconcerting.
“When I was a teen, we praised Lucifer. Especially in the winter months when there is nothing to do around here. We smeared blood on ourselves. We even danced around bonfires chanting incantations. That's just the way it was. But now, jeez, I honestly don't know what our kids are up to.”
Headley, who is now a prominent member of the Berry Bridge Baptist Church — one of the places he admits to defacing as a teenager (In his words, he “made a P.U. in a pew.”) — blames the whole thing on social media and the advent of recreational sports.
“Back in the good old days, we didn't have Facebook, smartphones or organized athletics. We had Satan... and our parents, of course, had God. That was the good fight. That was the Adirondack way.”
Indian Lake High School student Samantha Browning said she and her classmates never really understood the paradigm.
“We're good kids. We volunteer. We mentor,” said the 17-year-old senior. “We're focused on our studies and we enjoy competing with one another in a respectful manner, on and off the field. So what if we don't spend our free-time summoning the Dark Lord? In terms of what we want to accomplish with our lives, such a thing would be antithetical, no?”
Headley, along with a majority of Indian Lake parents, admit they have trouble understanding what words like “antithetical” mean, let alone the context with which teenagers like Browning are considering when they use them in sentences.
“Listen, teenagers around here are suppose to be stupid and worship Satan. And parents like me are suppose to root them out and convert them back to the way of the Lord. That's what my Dad did for me and what his Dad did for him. In fact, that's how God-fearing Adirondack folk such as myself have been getting into heaven for over two hundred years. But not anymore... and it's a shame.”
“That makes zero sense.” said Browning, who's headed to MIT next year. “Just because they worshipped Satan when they were teenagers doesn't mean that we have to. We're responsible, compassionate people who have no interest in the mutilation of animals and the destruction of public property."
“Sorry to disappoint you, Mom!” she added.
Headley could only shake his head and said if things don't change before his oldest child turns 13, he's prepared to move his entire clan to Corinth, where erratic cell-phone reception, low rec-league participation and a sharp increase in cow beheadings indicate that a healthy, “Satan Rules!” attitude still exists among some teenagers.