Fans of Satan Mad as Hell at Devils
By Curtis Riboflavin and Pug Ransom
Published December 1st, 2014
ALBANY — Satan worshipers across the Capital Region are burning over Albany’s association with the Devils — and not for the reason you might think.
The city’s American Hockey League team is an affiliate of the New Jersey Devils, a fact that has local followers of the dark lord downright infuriated.
"Listen, we don't care about the 'Devils' part," said Lord Byron Bronziak of Albany. "It’s just that we don't want nothing to do with Jersey."
Bronziak said at the last Black Mass he attended, there were fellow Satanists on hand who traveled in from the Garden State, and “very frankly, they were total douche bags. No couth whatsoever.”
Reached by cell phone, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie characteristically told a reporter to “shut up,” adding he did not like to be bothered while on line in the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru.
“You know, it’s hard enough being a Satanist,” said Countess Alice Crowley of Troy. “You tell someone you worship Beelzebub and right away, you get a bad rap. But throw New Jersey into the mix? Forgettaboutit! Ain’t no one gonna take you serious.”