EXCLUSIVE: NY sells 'Bills' to Bon Jovi

By Curtis Riboflavin

Published December 8th, 2014

Photo by David Shankbone

ALBANY — Jon Bon Jovi is about to buy the Bills — just not the ones who play football in Buffalo.

In an eleventh-hour deal cut between Gov. Andrew Cuomo and legislative leaders in the Capitol, the state authorized the sale of every New Yorker by the name of “Bill” to the New Jersey-bred rock star, according to secret budget documents obtained by The Albany Smudge.

While not expressly stated in the deal, sources close to the hard-rocking megahunk say the sensitive blue-eyed rocker “absolutely” plans to move his Bills to Toronto. Buffalonians had feared the pop artist would move their beloved Buffalo Bills across the border had Bon Jovi been successful in buying the team, but since being purchased by billionaire Terry Pegula, that possibility is now off the table.

“The team is safe,” said one relieved insider. “But even so, here's the bad medicine: If your name is Bill, you belong to Bon Jovi now and your moving to Canada."

The little-known deal stunned New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio who learned he must now govern America’s largest city from the largest city in the Great White North.

"Oh fudge!" de Blasio said as he hurried to a ceremony during which he was expected to award himself the Big Apple’s Key to the City for being what he described as “a modest genius.”

A spokesman for former President Bill Clinton, who lives in Westchester County, lauded the deal. He said Clinton hopes to bring his saxophone and thousands of “rubbers” with him to Canada.

Bucky ‘Two Beard’ Magnussen, a Utica-based expert on “hunk behavior,” said Bon Jovi’s good looks could make any legal challenge a tough row to hoe.

“It’s a slippery slope,” Magnussen said, noting Bon Jovi is widely considered ‘dreamy.’  “If I was named Bill I’d be mad as heck. But, I guess you can say these Bills were born to be his babies.”

The agreement included a promise that Bon Jovi will never again try to purchase any Buffalo-based NFL franchise. Cuomo administration officials, meanwhile, said they hope the pact will boost tourism to western New York, which has added nine jobs since 1984.

A legislative memo on the deal obtained by The Albany Smudge states: “Every New York male named Bill over the age of 18 has 48 hours to report to one of several Bon Jovi tour buses around the state or face fines of up to $1,000 and possible deportation to New Jersey.”