Fatso wants a second heart

By Quack Davis

Published January 26th, 2015

ALBANY – A 370-pound state worker wants the state Department of Health to place him at the top of an exclusive waiting list for a heart transplant — even though his existing heart is fully functional.

Norris D. Glatt, 33, of Chatham, demanded state health officials acquiesce to his demands for a second heart, calling their initial refusal  “egregious, unfair and blatantly weightist” against large men and women.

Glatt’s attorney, Marvin Nake, said his client requires the second heart to lessen the massive load on his existing heart. Otherwise, Nake said, Glatt would have to go on a diet.

“That’s not happening,” Nake said in an interview in an Empire State Plaza eatery as his client devoured a fried macaroni ball. “Norris ought not — and will not — be forced to lose 200 pounds simply because New York state doesn’t want doctors giving him a second heart. It probably takes five minutes. What’s the big deal? This is an outrage.”

Meanwhile, Nake also said Glatt was unfairly burdened by the removal of the Italian-style café, “Pastabilities” from the plaza. It has been replaced by a Café Au Bon Pain. He said Glatt may sue the Office of General Services if “Pastabilities” is not restored by spring.

When given an opportunity to comment, Glatt asked a Smudge reporter if he planned to finish the rest of his General Tso’s chicken. The reporter, who had yet to sample the meal, declined.

“I’m not that fat,” Glatt told the Smudge.  “I’m a little overweight, I admit, but I’m not a bird. I need food.  I need a second heart so I can eat as much as I want. This is America last time I frickin’ checked. I guess the state doesn’t like dairy farmers. I like cheese. And hey, I vote!”

Nelly Vocalman, a spokesman for the state Office of General Services, said the office has received a “volume” of complaints about Glatt’s eating habits and general hygiene.