What’s in a Name? For Green Island, Possible Inaccuracy

By Quack Davis

Published February 2nd, 2015

ALBANY – In a stunning and unexpected development, the Albany County Legislature is investigating allegations that Green Island is not surrounded by water.

“There’s no goddamn island, you nincompoops,” Green Island gadfly and local ne’er-do-well Barry Hopkins told lawmakers during the public comment period of the Legislature’s monthly meeting. “And it ain’t green neither. What do I have to do, draw you dummies a map?”

Word of the probe spread rapidly, sending shock waves throughout the region. A spokesman for the McNulty family — Green Island’s well-known political dynasty — said there’d be no official comment. Meanwhile, a high-ranking county government source said, “This is way too hot right now. We’re not touching it.”

Hopkins — who sources said is a former children’s party clown and who has had numerous run-ins with the law in Texas for harassing a professor at a clown college there — was too intoxicated to elaborate on his comments when approached by a Smudge reporter.

Meanwhile, Albany County sheriff’s investigators were expected to speak to the FBI, which has been probing allegations that Rhode Island, the nation’s tiniest state, isn’t an island, either.

Burt Wilkerson, a spokesman for Green Island’s Historical Society, told the Smudge that, according to Wikipedia , Green Island used to be called “Tibbett's Island” and was, indeed, a proper island at one time. But, then the water between Green Island and Watervliet was eventually filled-in during the 1960 construction of Interstate 787, he said.

“We knew, ever since being connected to the mainland, that this day would come,“ said Wilkerson. “Sure, it’s a technicality, but so is the rest of the name. And like Barry pointed out, we’re not really green either — well, not unless you count the green mold on our streets.”