Local Creep "Confesses" to Meeting Chicks at Church
By Fred Furnace
Published March 2nd, 2015
COHOES – For most area Catholics, the sacrament of confession — whereby repentant Catholics may be absolved of sins — is a personal and spiritual aspect of their faith.
But for local creep Tanner Bonk, confession is a prime opportunity to "meet chicks."
"I had an epiphany," explains Bonk, a life-long Catholic and parishioner of St. Agnes church in Cohoes. "I attended confession one day and, halfway through my penance of saying six Hail Marys, I noticed a hot chick two pews ahead of me. She was there for a good 20 minutes. She must have been saying at least two dozen Our Fathers. I thought to myself, ‘Man, I wonder what that hot chick did to get such a large penance!’"
That's when Bonk said the idea hit him: Confession was the perfect place to meet women.
"It’s like, the ‘party boy’ in me wants a bad girl,” he explained, "but the ‘momma's boy’ in me wants a good Catholic girl. The beauty of confession is it combines the two. It's a total win-win."
Every since his epiphany, Bonk has been trolling Catholic churches from Clifton park to Albany in search of "a lively confession scene." He estimates he probably attends confession 20 to 30 times per week in his quest to meet Catholic women with loose moral standards.
"If you can find a good-looking woman doing like 15 - 20 Hail Marys, it’s like hitting the jackpot,” he said. "That’s a chick who probably parties hard, but is still, you know, a good Catholic and all. Cha-Ching!"
Father Paulo of St Agnes said he is aware of the situation, but has taken no action to prevent Bonk from hitting on his female confession-goers.
"To be frank, our attendance is way down,” the priest said. “Tanner is a troubled kid, for sure, but he comes to services like five times a week, and always puts a few bucks in the collection bin."
"Plus, he regularly confesses his sins, and I do absolve him," the priest noted. "So, according to God, his record is clean."