North Colonie Telethon Aims to Ease South Colonie Suffering
By Pug Ransom
Published March 2nd, 2015
LOUDONVILLE —A North Colonie community group — unable to turn a blind eye to the suffering just over the border — is spearheading a fund-raising effort to bring relief to their neighbors in need.
“We can’t turn a blind eye to the plight of those living in South Colonie,” said Mandy Pinkerton, outreach director for Loudonville’s Mission of Pity. “Each night, when I’m home sipping chai and all cozy on my birch solid Villa Valencia trim tufted sofa, I can’t help but shed a tear for some on the other side of Albany-Shaker, who I just know are sitting on a futon purchased from Target. It’s not right.”
Determined to ease that kind of hardship, Mission of Pity will conduct a two-day Internet telethon the second weekend in March to benefit South Colonie. The goal, said Mission of Pity member Thurston Marbles, is not only to raise money, but hope and spirits, as well.
“We must teach our children that those who live on the wrong side of the tracks should not be looked down upon,” said Marbles. “I’ve talked to my kids about South Colonie people and I told them, ‘It’s not their fault they have nothing going for them.’”
Pinkerton said besides money, North Colonie residents calling into the telethon might also donate hand-me-down designer clothing and gift certificates to non-chain restaurants.
“There are people in South Colonie who, when they go out to eat, only go to restaurants on Wolf Road,” Pinkerton said, wiping a tear from her eye. “There are women and children living there who have never owned Gucci, Versace or, my God, even Izod. It’s wrong… it’s just wrong and unfair.”
Loudonville teen Evander Rich, 18, will be participating in the telethon in order to pad his community service experience on his application to Yale. He said the struggle of those in South Colonie is something that all kids in North Colonie grow up aware of.
“Just because we are better than them,” said Rich, “doesn’t mean they aren’t people.”
A Fake Retraction
After considerable real public outcry over the entirely fake story — North Colonie Telethon Aims to Ease South Colonie Suffering, (March 9, The Albany Smudge) — The Smudge editorial board has decided to issue a make-believe retraction. The Smudge stands steadfastly behind its false reporting. And, in contemplating the logical effects of retracting a fake news story, editors determined it would not be prudent to issue an actual retraction, given that doing so might somehow imply the original story was real when, in fact, it was complete fiction. Therefore, the only way around this logical mind-bender is to issue a fake retraction to the fake story, which — according to the rules of logic as we understand them — puts everything back into equilibrium. As such, The Smudge is proud to be the first fake newspaper in history with the balls to issue a fake retraction for one of its fake stories in which neither the people quoted, nor the event itself, exist. — The Smudge Editorial Board