Market Provides Space for Frustrated Moms to Swat their Kids

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published March 29th, 2015

COLONIE — A Central Avenue supermarket will be the first in the region to offer designated parking lanes where stressed-out moms who have had “just about enough” can slap their unruly children.

“In hindsight, the parking spaces we reserved for fuel efficient vehicles were just stupid and never caught on,” said Bug McMurphy, general manager of Price Rite supermarket at 20123 Central Ave. “So, we decided to go out in the lot with a bucket of paint and rename the ‘Fuel Efficient Car’ spots to ‘Child Slapping Lanes.’”

McMurphy said on any given Saturday, there are scores of exhausted moms inside the store who are doing “everything in their power” to keep from beating their raucous kids — whose awful behavior often results in turning a 90-minute shopping trip into three hours of complete and utter torture.

“Look, if we can make it so these mothers can not only get to their cars faster, but also beat their children sooner, we reduce their chances of having a full-on aneurysm,” McMurphy said.  “This is about the physical and mental health of our customers.”

When informed of the new child-slap lanes, a mumbling and disheveled Beverly Norp, who was standing in the cereal aisle staring aimlessly as her three children screamed at the top of their lungs, said, “Oh thank freaking God.”

“Sometimes, my nerves are so frayed after shopping with my kids that the walk to the car is as hopeless as the Bataan Death March,” Norp said.

Blowing the hair out of her face, she then pointed to her disruptive children.

“The 7-year-old is throwing meat, the 6-year-old keeps farting and the 4-year-old has her face buried in the bag of cat food,” Norp said, shaking her head in exasperation. “I’m trying so hard not to swat them here in the store. But now that I know there’s a lane designated for me right out front, oh boy, they’re gonna get it the minute we get outta here.”


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