Penis Candle Leaves Albany Sorority Burning

By Fred Furnace

Published April 6th, 2015

ALBANY – A fire that damaged an Albany State College sorority house is being blamed on a defective penis-shaped candle, according to fire officials investigating the incident.

"The penis was left unattended inside the house," said Chief Jack Burns of the Albany Fire Department. "It was made of cheap wax and melted quickly, causing the penis to become flaccid. At that point, the penis’ flame made contact with some nearby pizza boxes, and the blaze quickly grew out of control.”

"In all my years on the job, I have never seen a fire started by a penis," he said. "This is a first."

Remarkably, no injuries were reported. The fire damage to the Eata Moo Pi sorority house, however, was extensive.

"That penis really did a number on that sorority," Burns said.

According to one sorority member – known only by her rush name, "Ginch” – the candle was purchased as a "gag" gift for another sorority member, known only by her rush name, " Gorilla Tits."

"It was just supposed to be a joke," said Ginch, who purchased the penis from a stranger on Craigslist. “It was just good fun; you know, to humiliate and embarrass Gorilla Tits.”

“But now that dick has wrecked our house,”Ginch said. “And not in a good way.”

The college was scrambling to find alternative housing for the displaced Eata Moo Pi members. In the meantime, the girls were prepared to make the most of a bad situation.

“We’ll just have to sleep around until we find alternative housing,” said Ginch. “So it’s not the end of the world. Plus, this isn’t the first time Gorilla Tits had her night ruined by a flaccid penis.”