Two States Still Refusing To Read The Smudge
By Scott Salad
Published April 12th, 2015
Mongolian Leader, Damdinii Sükhbaatar, reading The Smudge — circa 1921
MENANDS — When it comes to make believe news sites based entirely on hyper-specific Capital Region eccentricities, attitudes and cultural gaps, New Mexico and one of the Dakotas have made it clear: The Albany Smudge is not for them.
According to Google Analytics —which tracks website activity—zero page views have come from the lower-level Dakota and the Mexico that everyone agrees is the newest.
“We've got hits in something like 53 out of 55 states,” said Albany Smudge IT Director Mosely Hooper. “And all over Europe, Africa, South America and Asia. Shit, we're huge in Mongolia. But the people of New Mexico and that one Dakota simply refuse to get their fake, Albany-centric news from The Albany Smudge. What's up with that?”
Hooper was able to verify —within a .001 degree of accuracy — the Dakota in question is the bottom-most one. The bespectacled, virgin-like, amateur ventriloquist pointed to several Mercator Projections showing the state looking really stupid surrounded by Smudge-loving hubs like Nebraska and Wyoming.
Smudge Senior Editor Burt Wilkerson wonders whether the void is technological.
“We're not entirely sure this particular Dakota has the Internet. But we do know three unique hits have come from the upper Dakota — which appears to be located inside Canada, if we're not mistaken,” he said.
Wilkerson noted the same goes for the firsthand, mint condition Mexico that borders a state that kind of looks like Texas.
Hoping to reverse the alarming metrics, Smudge executives proposed an incentive program they hope will lure at least one person from the two hold-out states.
“When and if Google Analytics recognizes a hit from either place, we’ll post the date, followed by a geographical tidbit associated with its location at the bottom of the article,” Wilkerson said. “But more importantly, the final hold out will be shunned by the Smudge from that day forward.”
When asked to elaborate on how a small-time fake news site plans to brush off the citizens of an entire state, Wilkerson smiled deviously.
“It's going to get ugly. I'm not going to lie.”
4.22.15 (10 days after original publication)— Still no hits from these two Godforesaken places — Despite several from Belarus, Ecuador, Croatia and someplace called Canada.
4.27.15 (15 days after oringal publication)— Twelve days after reporting South Dakota was one of two states that had not read The Albany Smudge, the Capital District’s leading source for make believe news received a hit April 24 from the city of Brookings in that state.
Good for you, Brookings! Bad for you Newish-Mexico.
Making good on our promise, The Smudge would now like to present a cultural tidbit related to the winner of our web-hit incentive program. Here it is:
Brookings is the dress sock-garter capital of eastern South Dakota, according to Wikipedia.
That’s not all. Consider this from the Dress Sock Wikipedia page:
Dress socks come in a variety of heights. They come ankle high, mid calf high (the most common), and over the calf. Dress socks have also been known to slip down the leg, causing the wearer to have to constantly pull them up. In the past, men would buy garters or sock suspenders to help this, but with the introduction in the 1960s of better elastics such as spandex, it is mostly unnecessary now. However, some men with larger calves may still need the extra assistance of garters to keep socks from slipping.
With a firm understanding of supply and demand — coupled with humanitarian ideals regarding the wants and needs of poor, sad men with fat calves — the good people of Brookings have stepped up to the plate and made this world a better place. So congratulations South Dakota, you have earned your rightful place in our hearts.
There's just one more piece of business that must be taken care of: Does anybody know what that smell is?
Oh, it's New Mexico. Gross!