Proctors in Naming Dispute with Proctology Practice

By Fred Furnace

Published April 26th, 2015

-Diagram of the rectum and anus.

SCHENECTADY – A local proctology practice is seeking to usurp the name “Proctors” for use in its business, according to papers filed this week with the state Department of Naming Things.

“We are proctology doctors. It is only natural that we should be allowed to combine those two words and call ourselves ‘Proctors,’” explained Dr. Michael Rumpp, lead ass specialist with the Albany-based practice.

“Right now, we go by ‘Proctological and Colorectal Associates of the Greater Capital Region and Utica.’ That’s a mouthful. It takes forty seconds just to answer our damn phones. It would be so much shorter if we could just call ourselves ‘Proctors’ and be done with it.

“The problem, however, is the name is already being used by some theater in Schenectady,” Rumpp added. “Why should they get to hog the name?”

The legendary Proctors Theater has been a local landmark since opening in 1926. Nonetheless, Dr. Samuel Rearden, Rumpp’s partner, said:

“When people in the area think, ‘Proctors,’ we don’t want them to only think about shows and musicals and a historical building. We also want them to think about anal fissures, colonoscopies and polyps.”

“This issue goes far beyond the Capital Region,” Rearden added. “We also have committed to the establishment of an international aid organization, called ‘Proctors Without Borders.’ Hopefully, the state lets us use the name, too.”

According to the Naming Department’s website, Proctors Theater has 30 days to file a response.

Though Proctors officials told The Smudge they had no comment at this time, a spokesman for the theater did acknowledge the naming dust-up is “really messed up.”


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