Vague UALBANY Protest Leaves Many Bewildered

By Dodie Fingerton

Published April 26th, 2015

UAlbany Protesters

ALBANY— A group of about 250 SUNY Albany students Thursday — holding nondescript protest signs while obeying several traffic laws as they crossed Washington Avenue — expressed mild upset with something they were either unwilling or unable to define.

“Heck no, we won't go,” the students quietly chanted as a small police presence easily directed them back to University Hall.

“Given what they were faintly conveying, they actually went rather peacefully,” said Campus Security Chief Conrad Baine. “They were a friendly bunch, too. Very polite. We still have no idea what they were protesting, though.”

The Albany Smudge — in absence of such triggers as a jury acquittal in a case involving police brutality or the passing of controversial laws pertaining to student aid and/or marijuana legislation — was unable to determine what prompted the demonstration. The butter quality at the various on-campus eateries also was tested and deemed to be top-notch, leaving university administrators relieved they would not be called upon to squelch yet another “Butter Rebellion.”

UALBANY President, Mitchell Steamman — referring to the infamous incident at Harvard in 1766 when student, Asa Dunbar, shouted: “Behold, our butter stinketh! Give us therefore, butter that stinketh not!” — said it was important for the university to remain proactive in its approach to all student issues.

“In the wake of what happened in Cambridge almost 250 years ago, it felt right to ensure that our butter was up to par. And fortunately, it was,” Steamman said.

Underscoring the exceptionally benign quality of the demonstration was the sign waved by political science major Peter Rectawall that read: “Stop all kinds of general nonsense NOW!”

When asked if there was any specific nonsense he wished to see remedied, Rectawall smiled and pointed to his placard: “Nope, just the general kind,” he said.

No one was injured, arrested or found to possess a reasonably interesting point of view, and eventually, the upbeat crowd obediently dissolved into the late-April evening.


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