Endless Children’s Parties Taking Toll on Couple

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published May 10th, 2015

ROTTERDAM — A Rotterdam couple attended their eleventh children’s birthday party in just three weeks — spending more than $300 during that span on kids they barely know and whom their own children won’t be friends with a year from now.

“Why didn’t anyone tell me it would be like this?” said disgruntled dad, Crum Newsome. “If I knew I’d be forced to spend every goddamn weekend of my life at Chucky Cheese I would have gotten a vasectomy before my wedding.”

Crum, the father of 6-year-old Cobb Newsome and 5-year-old Jeb, said he fell behind on last month’s car payment because he had to buy Mario Party 10 “for that little asshole down the street” just a week after “spending a bundle on some Planet of the Apes collectible for the weird kid on Cobb’s T-ball team who’s always grabbing at himself.”

Crum’s wife, Alice, acknowledged the constant grind of party after party after party is wearing thin.

“Two weeks ago, I contracted pink eye at a party for that whiney little bitch, Brianna, who is on Jed’s bus,” said a frustrated Alice. “You know what pink eye is from, right? Flying specks of poo. So, basically, it’s like one of those little punks took a shit in my eye.”

Crum said last week he purposely caught a cold that had been making its way around the office as part of a scheme he hatched to get out of next week’s birthday party for “that twerpy little tattletale three houses down.”

“If I can get one of my kids sick, I’ll get to stay home with them. So, whenever Alice isn’t looking, I walk over to Cobb and Jed and cough in their faces. I mean, I get like an inch away and hack right into their mugs. But so far, neither of them have gotten sick,” said Crum, shaking his head in dismay. “It must be all that goddamn Vitamin C Alice shoves down their throats. She really pisses me off sometimes with all that mothering.”


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