Milton Man Defies Odds, Completes Wife's Grocery List Without Error
By Scott Salad
Published May 17th, 2015
MILTON— After nearly two decades of unmitigated screw-ups and poor decisions, a Milton man finally posted a perfect round of grocery shopping over the weekend, leaving his unrealistically meticulous wife speechless.
“I dug deep today,” 47-year-old Ernie Jazzerly told reporters gathered outside his Rowlands Hollow home. “Sandy gave me a tough list, I'm not going to lie. A lot of different fruits and vegetables, lunch meats, medications, cleaning products, spices and condiments. I'm not sure how I got it all, but I did and I couldn't be happier.”
Jazzerly, a theoretical physicist accustomed to manipulating mathematical principles to rationalize, explain and predict natural phenomena, said that on a conceptual level, he couldn't quite wrap his brain around the idea of getting his wife's entire list of groceries completely right.
“I can't tell you how many times I got the wrong butter or corn beef that was sliced too thick. I've also come home with fat free salad dressings, rotten spinach, bread with corn syrup, thyme instead of cilantro, non-select-a-size paper towels with colorful dyed patterns that tend to rub off on white surfaces when Sandy only accepts pure white, select-a-size paper towels. Really, the list goes on and on.”
Asked whether there were moments when things almost went south, Jazzerly pointed to aisle 1, where he nearly forgot to have his bread sliced, and aisle 19, where he placed the wrong percent milk in his cart.
“A couple of potential pitfalls. But I picked myself up by the boot straps and kept moving.”
Told that Ernie even asked Customer Service where the pine nuts were, Sandy's mouth dropped.
“I don't believe it,” she gasped.
“It's true,” said Ernie, grinning wildly. “They're actually in with the spaghetti sauces. Can you believe that?”
Jazzerly was quick to skirt questions regarding rumors that Sandy plans to go gluten-free in the near future — a move that all but guarantees future shopping lists of increased complexity and multi-layered interpretations.
“I just want to bask in the glow of perfection while I can,” said Ernie. “Who knows what tomorrow will bring… or not bring… or forget to bring?”