Poll Finds Most Area High School Grads Selling Cutlery

By Bobby “Two Fingers” Kincaid

Published May 31st, 2015

COLONIE — A record number of Capital District high school grads are now employed in the fast-paced and totally-not-a-pyramid-scheme world of selling “high quality” kitchen knives to unsuspecting acquaintances and exasperated family members, a recent Siena College poll has found.

Eddie Calculon, the poll’s lead researcher, said he was “astounded” by the results, which showed 71 percent of those who have graduated from area high schools over the past five years are selling knives that can cut through ropes and cans.

“Honestly, the intent of our survey was to see how many of these graduates could still read five years after graduation, which I should note is an impressive 67 percent — a 240 percent increase from a decade ago,” said Calcuon. “Anyway, during the course of our polling, most of our respondents suddenly — and aggressively — began trying to sell us kitchen knives.”

Separately, meanwhile, The Albany Smudge found that not a single one of the poll respondents referred to themselves as a “knife salesperson,” choosing instead to call themselves either a “cutlery advisor,” “knife consultant,” or “independent carving entrepreneur.”

“As a multi-level marketing organization focused on synergic culinary transactions within the realm of corporate-personal synthesized relationships, we have plenty of room for our operatives to grow their businesses,” said Timmy Loman, regional independent entrepreneurial czar in charge of special management operations for Knifeco Industries.

Loman — who during a seven-minute interview with The Smudge tried to sell a reporter three different sets of knives — added, “I hate myself.”

BOCES administrator Dottie Wordsworth said she was proud to see students succeeding in the work force.

“However, we really wish they’d do something besides mercilessly harassing their friends and family to the point of social isolation just to sell them knives,” Wadsworth said. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, we’re thrilled to see them use the skills they learned in high school — like how to use a thesaurus to come up with new, more-bullshit sounding job titles for their LinkedIn profiles — but couldn’t they find a less obnoxious way to harness their entrepreneurial drive… like selling drugs?”


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