STD Forces Local News Team Off the Air
By Fred Furnace
Published May 31st, 2015
WATERVLIET – Channel 4 News – the only Watervliet-based news station in the nation and known for its "weather and traffic on the 4's" segment – issued a statement today suspending its programming indefinitely due to a “severe chlamydia outbreak” impacting its news team.
According to station manager Mariam Poke, the outbreak was the result of a staff barbeque at weatherman Storm Donaldson’s house that “got totally out of control.”
"Storm served cocktails and the party started out quite lovely,” Poke stated, "but after [correspondent] Wendy Trace insisted that we all do tequila shots out of her navel, things took a crazy turn.”
"Crazy" now seems like an understatement.
"Before I knew what was happening, we were ass-deep into a full-fledged orgy," acknowledged Channel 4 co-anchor Trapper Don. "I haven't been involved in something like that since Wood Johnson retired from Channel 11. Man, his retirement party was epic. This one was right up there; it was wild."
"I think I may have banged everyone in attendance," added sportscaster Arnie Richardson. “Even a couple of the dudes. It was wild!"
While the party itself may have been "wild," the aftermath proved disastrous when a summer intern admitted to having a “nasty” case of chlamydia.
The entire staff is now believed to be infected.
According to Poke, aggressive treatments are underway and the station should return to normal broadcasting by the end of the month.
"Let's just say we won't be recruiting from Middlebury College again anytime soon," Poke concluded, referencing the school of the offending intern.
While Channel 4 is off the air, Watervliet residents are being advised to get their news from Channel 3, based in Waterford.
"Most people confuse Watervliet and Waterford anyway," Poke reasoned. "So, Waterford news is probably close enough until we get back on our feet again."