Spa City man can’t stop apologizing

By Quack Davis

Published May 31st, 2015

SARATOGA SPRINGS – Darren Junk is the sorriest man in town.

The Saratoga Springs carpenter started apologizing at an alarming rate in May 2012 and he shows no signs of slowing down, according to his friends, family and co-workers.

It began when Junk, 33, spilled a plate of baked beans on his father-in-law, Dusty Cowlord, on Memorial Day three years ago. He immediately apologized.

“Five minutes later, Darren then said he was very sorry for baking beans,” said Cowlord. “I told him, ‘That’s OK Darren. It happens.’ Darren apologized for not apologizing sooner. He said he was sorry he did not make chicken sandwiches instead because the chicken sandwiches would be less messy. Then he apologized for sleeping with my daughter. I said, ‘Enough, Darren. She's your wife!’”

Junk’s wife, Henrietta, said her husband apologizes 35 times a day, at times to himself when he is frying eggs.

She said her husband recently caught her sleeping with another carpenter, 60-year-old Jester Lodi of Ballston Spa. Her husband, who stopped home that day for a plate of baked beans, apologized to his wife's lover for interrupting their lovemaking, she said.

“It’s sweet,” she said. “Darren is a wonderful husband. But I do think it was a little much when Darren apologized to me for doing Jester. I told Darren I might be pregnant with Jester’s baby. Darren apologized to me and said he was sorry for not congratulating me and Jester.”

Junk’s supervisor, Wayward Hickory, said Junk recently apologized for being such a good carpenter.

“Darren said, ‘Boss, I do such terrific work and it makes other employees look bad. I think I will apologize to all of them,’” Hickory said. “I said, ‘Darren, don’t apologize. You’re not that good a carpenter. ‘ Darren apologized and promised to work harder. He's a dingbat.”

Junk was angered when The Albany Smudge contacted him by phone for this report at 2 a.m. — three hours before he had to be at work. But seconds later, Junk apologized for his harsh response.

“I am very sorry,” Junk said. “I don’t know what came over me. The press is important to our democracy. I’m so sorry. I'll give you whatever information you need to know. Sorry, I did not answer sooner.”


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