Former Albany Bedroom Community, Colonie Finds Firm Future in Mattresses

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published June 21st, 2015

Mattress stores light up Central Ave.

COLONIE — It’s out with the old and in with the new in Colonie, where officials on Thursday will hold a press conference to unveil the town’s new seal.

A source with knowledge of the forthcoming announcement confirmed to the Smudge that “a twin-size mattress” will become the town’s official new symbol — replacing the current crest now adorned with images of a Native American, sheaf of wheat, windmill and fort.

“Look around you: Do you see a windmill anywhere?” the source asked rhetorically. “No you don’t. But on every goddamn corner now, what you do see is a mattress store. We’re up to our damn teeth in mattress stores. You want a windmill? You’re out of luck. You want a mattress? No problem.”

Wank Newbauer, a 30-year Colonie resident, said while the town’s new insignia is “kind of lame,” he also acknowledged that “in a way, it makes perfect sense.”

“I was just commenting to my wife the other day about how there ain’t nothing around here these days but friggin’ mattress stores. There’s Sleepy’s, Metro, Albany Mattress, Mattress Express… Goddamn, I had to stop myself because I started sounding like Forrest Gump’s stupid friend, Bubba, droning on and on about all the different kinds of shrimp.

“By the way,” Newbauer added, “what the hell is a sheaf of wheat?”

Abe Fishman, a Sand Creek Road resident, said he supported the decision to update the town’s seal.

“It makes just as much sense figuratively as it does literally,” Fishman said. “Yeah, there are mattress stores popping up all over these days. But if you travel along certain stretches of Central Avenue, all you see too are sketchy dudes hanging out in front of run-down flophouses. Six in one, a half-dozen in the other, know what I’m saying?”

Town Supervisor Cricket Johnson did not return numerous calls seeking comment.

But a source inside Town Hall said besides changing the town seal, Johnson has also been in “heated” talks with South Colonie school officials, pressing for the district to change its mascot from the “Garnet Raiders” to the “Fighting Mattresses.”


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