End-of-School-Year Carnage Caused by Capital Region Teens in Quaint Vermont Town
Published July 5th, 2015
SHREWSBORO, Vt. — In what’s become a late-June tradition, residents of this bucolic Vermont community are once again wading through the wreckage left behind by privileged Albany-area teens, who flock annually to their family cabins here for drunken post-prom and graduation bacchanalias.
“Every year it suddenly feels like this town becomes the center of the universe for high school kids from places like Bethlehem, North Colonie and Saratoga Springs,” said resident Chuck Wooderson. “Once June hits, there’s a small convoy of BMWs and Land Rovers traveling down the main road here driven by teens with names like Tucker, Tad and Madison.”
A Smudge reporter accompanied Shrewsboro’s finest on a tour of the carnage inflicted by the Capital Region’s best teens.
“Honestly, this has been happening for as long as I can remember,” said Shrewsboro Police Chief John “Jack” Lumberton, his face contorting with disgust at the sight inside one cabin of a vomit-caked U.S. News & World Report College Rankings Guide opened to Tufts University.
Broken beer bottles, destroyed furniture and holes punched in walls were also common sights.
“If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been called to one of these cabins for a noise complaint and had to deal with some little asshole with a shit-eating grin wearing a Vineyard Vines shirt, well, I could buy myself a Vineyard Vines shirt,” Lumberton grumbled.
News of the revelry was quickly explained away in many of the Capital Region’s most privileged towns with comments such as “kids will be kids” by high-income parents — most of whom hold prominent positions in law, medicine, and finance.
“Honestly, my mom and dad say laws only apply to people from poor towns like South Colonie,” claimed Tucker Derby III, a defiant and naturally gifted area teen headed to Brown University in the fall.
Standing nearby, his father, Tucker Derby II, nodded in approval.
“Well,” said the dad, “he’s not wrong.”