Shark Attacks Terrorize Grafton Beach

By Fred Furnace

Published July 12th, 2015

A Great White Shark emerges from Grafton Lake
with two beach-goers locked in its jaws — July 11th, 2015

GRAFTON — The tranquil, sandy beaches of Grafton Park were transformed into a blood-soaked horror scene after great white sharks wreaked havoc here this past weekend.

Rescuers confirmed 36 swimmers dead and 14 others missing after the deadly attacks. One eyewitness reported dozens of massive sharks appeared out of nowhere and began eating through swimmers “like they were at one of those fancy Vegas buffets.”

“They seemed to be laughing at us, like they were really enjoying themselves,” said 14-year old Mikey Simmons of Troy, who lost both of his ankles in the attack. “Maybe I was hallucinating from blood loss, but I think I even heard them saying, ‘yummy,’ as they were gnawing on my ankles. Those sharks were real jerks.”

Town officials said the beach will be closed until Thursday so that a work crew “has time to sop up most of the mess.” The beach will reopen Friday in time for the weekend rush.

Visitors are being asked to “watch out for sharks,” to “be careful out there,” and to “refrain from making shark jokes or other derogatory comments that might anger or agitate the killer species.”

No other safety precautions are planned at this time.

Meanwhile, scientists are baffled at how the great white sharks got to Grafton Beach in the first place, since it is just a small fresh-water pond with no ocean access.

The leading theory is that local residents purchased the sharks as “pets,” only to dump them in the pond when they became too large for home aquariums. Another popular hypothesis is that the sharks are pre-historic remnants from the Paleozoic era, frozen in the pond for ions until de-thawing due to “a few really hot days” last week.

Not everyone subscribes to one of those explanations, however.

Emory Fillatubber, pastor of the There’s Only One Way to Salvation Church in Glenville, said: “This must be God’s doing… probably on account of the gays,”


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