Colonie’s ‘Sonic Boom’ Results in Soaring Crime

By Pug Ransom

Published July 19th, 2015

LATHAM — A new federal study shows Colonie’s crime rate jumped 143 percent during the weeks coinciding with the grand opening of Sonic on Route 7 — a spike experts say was tied to the town’s controversial decision to deploy two-thirds of its police department to traffic control at the fast-food restaurant.

“Given America’s expanding waistline, perhaps we should have been better prepared. But the truth is we had no idea people were going to be this friggin’ excited over wieners and fries, ” said Town Supervisor Crickett Johnson. “That said, I have to admit: their ‘New York Dog’ really is the shit.”

Excitement over Sonic’s Capital Region debut in late June was so overwhelming that traffic was brought to a standstill for several days from 11 a.m. to 7 p.m. along Route 7, Wade Road Extension and Forts Ferry. That prompted the Town Council to call an emergency meeting during which it determined no less than 70 of Colonie’s 109 police officers should be on scene, daily, to direct traffic and break up fights erupting as a result of road rage and long lines of people waiting to order Java Chillers and Cheeseburger Toasters.

But an unexpected consequence of that decision was an immediate town-wide jump in theft, car jackings, murder, Ponzi schemes and meth production, according to a report by Department of Justice.

“With so many officers deployed to Sonic, the crooks, thugs and killers looked at each other and said ‘Carpe Diem!’” said Colonie Police Chief Elvis McGruff. “We tried to warn the council, but they weren’t having it. And what’s worse, our officers gained an average of nine pounds each while working this detail. That spicy popcorn chicken is to die for.”

Colonie resident Florence Head called said the situation “sad.”

“Colonie has always been one of the safest towns in the nation based on FBI crime statistics,” said Head. “But now, not only is Colonie not safe, our town is sadly one of the nation’s fattest.”


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