Bethlehem Woman Claims to be Carrying ‘Naturally Gifted’ Fetus

By Scott Salad

Published July 26th, 2015

3-D Ultrasound of the Blemish's naturally gifted fetus.

BETHLEHEM — If expectant mother Topher Blemish from this town named after the birthplace of Jesus Christ wrote her own pregnancy handbook, hers would be titled What to Expect When You're Expecting... A Naturally Gifted Child.

Blemish, of Peller Ridge Road, is convinced her baby is a fetal wunderkind — even though its currently in utero and has the shape, texture and coloration of a frozen chicken.

“We communicate through a series of sophisticated taps and kicks,” she told The Smudge. “We started with one tap for ‘yes’ and two taps for ‘no,’ with emphasis expressed in degrees of pressure. But since incorporating in a hybrid form of Morse code our dialogue is now a two-way street. It's quite remarkable.”

Blemish said although her 5-month-old fetus has begun to display an exceptional ability to reason and learn, it’s shy around strangers and only communicates when the two are completely alone.

“On one hand, that's good, because I certainly don't want my fetus talking to strangers. But on the other hand, I think a little interaction with the outside world would be fine if properly moderated.”

The 36-year-old certified nutritionist — who says she's not the least bit concerned she'll be perceived as bat-shit crazy — went on to call her uterine lining and vaginal canal “protective barriers” that she hopes her inquisitive little embryo “will grow to trust over time.”

For a community still reeling from an unprecedented influx of average people, news of the 5 month-old fetus's prenatal inclination to overachieve has brought hope to many.

“The Blemish fetus is a light-bearer in a time of darkness,” said long-time resident Vera Hedgemaze. “Salvation is upon us.”

Antiques store owner, Vitas Cowtard, agreed.

“First the town decides to remove all the welcome signs, now this. Call me an optimist, but I think we're turning a corner here.”

Though Blemish and her husband, Todd, appreciate the encouraging words of support, they've remained subdued through the entire affair.

“I'm happy, don't get me wrong. But I'm not shocked,” said a cocksure Todd Blemish. “I was naturally gifted as a child. So was Topher. Of course our fetus would follow suit. It's called natural selection. Ever heard of it?”

Because they have chosen not to ask their amniotic lil' Einstein its gender, the Blemishes said they will name it Jesus Christ if its a boy, and Caitlyn Jenner if its a girl — or a girl trapped in a gold medal-winning boy's body. 


RELATED ARTICLES

• SPECIAL REPORT: Bethlehem Parents Decry ‘Average-Child’ Crisis
• Bethlehem Ponders Tighter Security After Visit By Watervliet Man
• Bethlehem to Remove “Welcome” Signs
• “Super Food” to Blame for Divorce of Fit Bethlehem Power Couple
• Study Finds Bethlehem Not As Good As It Thinks It Is