Cuomo Reveals Real Plans to ‘Mine’ for Jobs in Thacher Park

By Bobby “Two Fingers” Kincaid

Published August 2nd, 2015

Malta from GoogleEarth (©2015—The Albany Smudge)

BERNE — Gov. Andrew Cuomo Thursday unveiled a radical overhaul of the much-beloved Thacher Park, in a stunning move that left environmentalists bummed and economic development officials brimming with near uncontainable joy.

“The people of upstate New York are hurting. What they need now is good paying jobs,” Cuomo said during a press conference at the park, which has been the scene of family bonding and fond memories for generations. “That’s why my administration has decided to turn this entire park into an open-pit coal mine.”

“I know it’s a little unconventional,” claimed Cuomo, “but that’s what makes the people of this state so great!”

The governor’s announcement was immediately met with immediate praise.

“Economic development! Finally, our golden, coal-covered goose has come home to roost!” said mountain man and ascetic East Berne resident Jimmy Crackcorn. “First they shot those two prisoners and now they’re helping New Yorkers to act out all the excitement and glory of coal mining like in October Sky or the entire history of the shining bastion of civilization that is West Virginia.”

“This day could only get better if they were to put a coal-themed casino next to the mine!” squealed Crackcorn.

Not everyone, however, shared Crackorn’s excitement.

“We give up” sighed C. Planet of Environmental Advocates. “However, we fully support the governor’s plan to drain Thompson’s Lake and turn it into a parking lot, because that little mud puddle is more turd than water.”

The governor’s office issued a press release stating “negotiations” are currently underway with local teachers’ unions to staff the mine with educators who fail to score higher than “effective” on their Annual Professional Performance Review.

“We feel that any teacher who falls short of the standards we just kind of made up without ever having been teachers ourselves, deserves all the support we can give them in the form of our new ‘Professional Development’ program,” said Cuomo.

An Cuomo aide later explained that final comment marked the governor’s intention to work on removing the administration’s blighted scar of “educational resource extraction” that has marred New York’s public schools which once echoed with the sound of children’s laughter in the halcyon days of old.


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