Gronk and Bros. Crash Local Kid's Birthday Bash
Published August 16th, 2015
Photo courtesy of Wellslogan
MALTA— The dust is settling in Malta after an entourage led by NFL bad boy Rob Gronkowski crashed a children's birthday party over the weekend.
The hard-partying New England Patriot's tight end was hanging Saturday with his infamous band of rowdy revelers, The Party Rockers, at Saratoga Race Track when word spread there was an even better party nearby.
Dolores Magoo was sitting next to the “Gronktourage” in the Paddock area when the call came in.
“I heard a lot of 'Dudes!' and 'Yo’s!' and talk they were going to 'crash that shit Gronk-style,'” Magoo said. “It was pretty sad.”
The group left the track and headed south on Route 9 where “a blow-out of wicked proportions” was said to be underway. Fifteen minutes later the group was spotted fist-bumping their way into Bloomer's Family Fun Center in Malta, unaware the party was Minion-themed and hosted by a 7-year-old boy named Jackson Dumply.
“The whole thing was my fault,” said Dumply's personal party coach, 16-year-old Shannon Tooch. “I asked them if they were there for Jackson's party. The big guy said 'Fuck yeah!' so I handed them their eight complimentary arcade tokens and pointed them toward The Blast-Zone Ball Dungeon.”
That's when chaos erupted.
“It was like a tornado touched down,” said Jackson's mother, Marge. “Kids were pushed down slides, pummeled with balls and stepped on. Some got bloody noses. I've never seen anything like it.”
The stay-at-home mom watched in horror as the shirtless men continued wreaking havoc to the steady thump of bass-heavy club music.
“I have no idea where the music was coming from,” said Tooch, who was recuperating at home from a shoulder injury suffered trying to stop a bro from shaking a crying child off a climbing lattice. “But it followed them wherever they went.”
From there, the bro-storm spun a wide path of destruction through the Bungee Jungle, the Wiggle-Waggle Hop and the Lazar Crazer Wack Attack. The group then ate six of Dumply's pizzas and his entire “Kevin The Minion” cake before fist-bumping their way out the door where several more witnesses saw them flexing, slapping each other's asses and yelling 'Yeah!' to no one in particular while waiting for Uber cars.
Bloomer's was closed Monday as Quick Response technicians surveyed the damage and began the arduous task of clearing the mountainous piles of red plastic cups left behind.