Naturally Gifted Fetus Bored, Mother Mulls Early C-Section
By Scott Salad
Published September 6th, 2015
Naturally Gifted Fetus — pictured here sleeping off boredom.
BETHLEHEM — Fearing her unborn child isn't being challenged enough inside her womb, the mother of the reputed “naturally gifted fetus” says she's considering an early Cesarean section.
“I'm sensing some hostility, coupled with low-grade obstinance,” said Topher Blemish of Peller Ridge Road. “One day we were having full-length conversations and the next we weren't. It's like I'm being shut out.”
The 36-year-old certified nutritionist — who recently entered her third trimester — was referring to the “series of sophisticated taps and kicks” her brainy embryo was using to communicate with her until it abruptly went incommunicado on August 20.
“I'll feel odd kicks and pokes every once in awhile, but nothing that suggests it's trying to convey an idea or a feeling.”
Glenda Faraway, executive director of the Bethlehem Association for Gifted Children, says there are a variety of clues parents can look for if they suspect their gifted children aren't experiencing adequate levels of stimuli.
“Sullen or unhappy states; aloofness; passive aggression: these are signs that a gifted child has sensed the limitations of its surroundings,” said Faraway. “That said, if the Blemish fetus's gesticulations have begun to lack intention, then an early C-section might not be such a bad idea.”
But pediatrician, Dr. Leonard Kravitz, strongly disagrees.
“Actually it is a very bad idea. First off, Mrs. Blemish is only two-thirds of the way through her pregnancy. A C-section now could have a devastating impact on her child's growth. If there were health problems — say the labor wasn't progressing or the baby wasn't getting oxygen — I'd recommend one. But not because a mother thinks her fetus is disinterested in her uterus. That would be ludicrous and extremely irresponsible.”
Nevertheless, Blemish believes it’s more important to nourish her child's natural curiosity than it is to literally nourish it via her nutrient-rich placenta.
“This child needs to visit an art gallery more than it needs to experience a full-term vaginal birth. It needs to travel to Europe and see New York in autumn. It needs to see colors and feel objects specifically engineered to promote cognitive development. It can't get any of that if it's stuck inside my uterus.”
As Blemish ended that statement, her unborn baby kicked twice and then punched her in the spleen — a sequence of moves that she says translates to an emphatic, “You go girl!”