Feds Warns Region to be Wary of Area Cowboy Fans
By Curtis Riboflavin and Fenwick Jolsen
Published September 13th, 2015
Photo courtesy of Mahanga.
ALBANY – An unusually high and possibly dangerous volume of Dallas Cowboy fans has settled in the Albany area, causing concern among federal authorities who say the high concentration of Dallas supporters could lead to a widespread outbreak of asshole behavior.
America’s Team has fans in all 50 states and 352 American cities but federal asshole regulations limit the number of Dallas Cowboy fans in each state capital to no more than 15 percent, said Assistant U.S. Attorney General for the Capital Region Nobb Whitaker.
Nonetheless, a five-month investigation leading up to the 2015-2016 NFL season has found Cowboy supporters represent 36 percent of the area's football fans, with the balance shared between the Giants, Jets, Bills and World Champion New England Patriots.
Whitaker said his office is “looking into” reports that Cowboy fans skirted federal law in the Albany area “through sheer chicanery” but refused to elaborate.
Dobby Gyer, a spokeswoman for the Bureau of Federal Police, said a sense of entitlement combined with unrelenting obnoxiousness and astounding arrogance makes Cowboy supporters particularly unbearable to be around.
“Albany has a right to be concerned,” Gyer said. “Cowboy fans look just like normal people at first. But they speak out of their rectums. That’s the giveaway. They are dangerous people — mainly because they are full-of-shit lunatics.”
The Dallas fans gathered Sunday at Noodles' Sports Chubbery — a watering hole in Cohoes considered official Cowboy territory — characterized the claims against them as “ludicrous.”
“We’re taking it all this year, bro,” said Connor Darwin, 36, of Colonie, wearing a Tony Romo jersey. “We’re going all the way.”
“Giants suck!” said Chris Duper, 29, of Waterford, clad in a Tony Dorsett jersey. “How ‘bout dem ‘Boys!”
“America’s Team!” screamed Rupert Derp, decked out in a Jerry Jones for President T-shirt. “Deal with it!”