Latham, Menands to Secede from Colonie
Published September 20th, 2015
COLONIE – In an unprecedented revolt, the hamlet of Latham and village of Menands no longer want to be part of the Town of Colonie and plan to serve officials with declarations of independence, the Smudge has learned.
The stunning development was announced at Tuesday’s monthly town council meeting during the “new business” portion of the agenda.
“Anything new to address?” acting Town Supervisor Jeff Catsup asked.
“Yes,” Town Clerk Tent Newberry responded. “It appears Latham and Menands are leaving us.”
Latham officials — whose declaration of independence is based on a growing concern that Colonie is dishonestly claiming to be the true home of the all-nude gentleman’s club, Night Moves — sent a text to the council that said:
“Dear Town of Colonie, we are done. Goodbye forever. P.S. — Stay away from The Circle!” The secessionists also said they will soon debut a new Latham flag that includes images of a Dunkin Donuts, the Route 9 traffic circle, and the silhouette of a stripper.
“We will finally be a town,” said Denim Anderson, a leader of the Latham secession movement. “FREEDOM!”
Anderson also said that while residents of nearby Loudonville and Newtonville still belong to Colonie for now, “if those people like what they see over here in the Town of Latham, well, they should feel free to give us a whirl. We’d be proud as punch to have them join us.”
Meanwhile, Menands village mayor Rory Feet said his town is nowhere near the center of Colonie and wants to branch out on its own. He said the town of Colonie has been “very mean” to Menands and repeatedly makes his community the butt of cruel jokes.
“Who needs Colonie?” Feet asked. “We can be our own shining star. We just need to shake the dust off this two-bit town and that’s just what we aim to do.”
Catsup said that, historically, town officials had mostly concerned themselves politically with ongoing skirmishes between North and South Colonie. However, he said the focus now would shift to beating back the secessionist movement.
“We need to stay together and we will,” Catsup pledged. “And if need be, we will by force.”