Accidental Upstate Vacation Traumatizes Aussie Couple

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published September 27th, 2015

Not Europe

AMSTERDAM — Thanks to an errant mouse click, an Australian couple’s dream vacation in the storied European city of Amsterdam turned instead into a horrifying nightmare when they inadvertently found themselves stuck for a week in the down-and-out city of Amsterdam, NY.

“I was booking me trip on the Web, but because of me bodgy ciggybuttbrain, clicked on the symbol ‘NY’ instead of the one for the Netherlands,” said Angus Springfield, who lives with his wife, Neddie, and their two young children in Perth. “Well, crikey, mate, the Mrs. was mad as a cut snake when we wound up in that shit town. What a brown-eyed mullet — that place ain’t fit for a retarded dingo.”

Given that there is only a two-hour difference in the length of time between a flight from Perth to the Netherlands and Perth to Albany, the Springfields thought nothing of the 20-hours they spent in the air. But the couple said they began to suspect something wasn’t right during the depressing 30-minute taxi ride from Albany International to the former carpet-making capital-turned-hardscrabble upstate town.

“All I wanted was a break from me anklebiters,” said Neddie, referring to the couple’s children. “But this is the kind of shit that always happens when me husband goes out and gets pissed with his mates. A fucking boofhead, he is.”

Thus, instead of the historic canals of Amsterdam, Netherlands, the Springfields settled for Lock 11 along West Main Street here. And since the Van Gogh Museum was out of the question, the couple was forced to brave the jagged shards of a broken window that served as the entrance to the ruins of an abandoned glove factory. Meanwhile, in lieu of the Anne Frank House, the Springfields toured the city’s Public Works building. And rather than visit Amsterdam’s famous Netherlands Red Light District, the couple was instead propositioned by a crack whore standing outside the McDonalds on Service Road.

“I tried to get the Mrs. to make the most of it,” said Angus. “If I had to pick a highlight, I’d say it was the DPW’s flushing of the water mains.”

Neddie Springfield, however, said her husband shouldn’t expect forgiveness any time soon.

“The Amsterdam train station in Europe looks like Windsor Castle, so we decided to go and see the train station there in Amsterdam, NY. Well, what a twist in me knickers, it was no bigger than an goddamn outhouse and looked like a pedophile’s rape dungeon.”

Shaking her head in disgust, Neddie then said: “I sometimes wish that stingray that bit and killed crock hunter Steve Irwin would have bitten and killed me husband instead.”


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