Niskayuna Hires Private Investigator to Help the Town Find Itself

By Pug Ransom

Published October 11th, 2015

NISKAYUNA — Town officials voted Thursday to hire a private investigator, whom councilmembers said would be charged with the difficult task of searching for Niskayuna’s identity.

“There’s gotta be something more to our community,” said Niskayuna Supervisor Kip Hubbard, “than just being known as that boring fucking town between the Latham traffic circle and Hot Harry’s Burritos on upper Union Street in Schenectady.”

Though widely known for its insanely high taxes, inflated McMansions and being without easy access to Interstate 87 and I-90, Niskayuna has otherwise suffered from a lack of character that typically distinguishes other communities and their people.

“Consider towns like Buffalo, Miami, or Portland, Oregon: Whether it’s a blue collar thing, or beautiful people or a bunch of goofy liberals, there’s an image that pops up when you hear the names of certain places,” said UAlbany Sociology Professor Charles Bronson.

“The same can be said about local communities: Saratoga, you think ‘wealthy,’ Bethlehem, you think ‘uppity without reason,’ and South Colonie, you immediately think ‘dirty.’ But Niskayuna? Well, no one really thinks much of the people there at all because no one knows what to think.”

Bronson pointed to the school district’s mascot as proof of the town’s struggle for an identity.

“What in God’s name is a ‘Silver Warrior?’” Bronson asked. “No, seriously: Does anyone know what that hell that is?”

Despite the unanimous vote by the Town Council, not everyone in Niskayuna agrees with the $250,000 expenditure.

“This is a total waste of taxpayer money,” said local gadfly Stu Gaylord. “We have an identity: We’re the town where nothing ever fucking happens, and I’m OK with that.”

Hubbard, however, rejected Gaylord’s criticism.

“Though Stu lives in Niskayuna, his house is actually within the South Colonie School District boundary,” the supervisor noted. “He pays $9,500 in taxes on his three bed-room ranch to live in this town when a half-mile down Consaul Road in Colonie, he could pay $3,500 in taxes on the very same kind of house. He suddenly gives a shit about money? My ass.”


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