Self Flagellation Costs Whacking Weimaraner His Vision

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published October 11th, 2015

COLONIE — A Colonie dog has gone blind due to his apparent inability to stop masturbating.

That’s the finding of a group of top Capital Region veterinarians, who studied the pervy pooch after his owner noticed the dog repeatedly walking into the walls of his raised-ranch home.

“Clifford has always been sort of a freak, so I never thought anything of it when he’d walk straight into someone’s crotch or ass,” said Dale Wankins of Walnut Street. “But once he started walking into walls, I knew something was up.”

Wankins said that Clifford — like every dog — would often sit on his bed and lick his own testicles. But the family soon eventually grew concerned after noticing the overweight Weimaraner increasingly use his paws to fiddle with his middle.

“I’d sit there on the couch and watch Clifford lick himself, and if I’m being totally honest, I’d think to myself, ‘Gee, I wish I could do that,’” said Wankins. “But I knew something wasn’t right with him once I started seeing him use his paws to go to town on himself. He wouldn’t stop, either. I’d have to make the kids leave the living room.”

Dr. Lew Nuggins, chief of canine psychiatry at the Colonie Animal Ambulatory and Mental Health Clinic, said this is the first case he’s aware of in which an animal — or human for that matter — actually lost his sight from masturbation.

“In Catholic school, the nuns would constantly tell you that you’d grow hair on your palms or go blind from touching yourself too much,” said Nuggins. “But I always figured that was an old wive’s tale. I guess not, though. There is no question about it: Clifford has lost his sight due to chronic masturbation.”


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