Area Hospital to Focus on Helping Chronic Penis Shutterbugs

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published October 25th, 2015

ALBANY — The Capital Region Psychiatric Hospital — in a move that mental health experts say is ‘unprecedented’ — has dedicated an entire wing of its facility to the treatment of men who post ‘dick pics’ on Craigslist and elsewhere online.

“What started out as, perhaps, amusing in the early days of the Internet has now exploded into an epidemic,” said Dr. Nubb Chamberlain, the CRPH’s chief of Creepy Phallic Disorders. “The men who snap photographs of their genitalia and send them directly to women they are either involved with, or desire, are obviously disturbed. But those who take pictures of their junk and post them online for the entire world to see — well, these people are the ones we consider to be very ill and in need of immediate treatment.”

Thorton Little is one of those men.

“There’s no storage left on my iPhone, personal laptop or work computer because they are filled with pictures of my penis,” said Little. “Once I started, I just couldn’t stop. I even posted a photo of my crank while I was in church.”

Due to privacy laws, Chamberlain would not disclose details of the treatment men like Little will undergo.

“Trust me, though,” said the doctor. “It will involve everything short of outright castration.”

Bonnie Crumb, the morning television news anchor at Albany’s WACK, said news of the cutting-edge CRPH program is “music to my ears.”

“I don’t know whether it’s because I’m on TV or what, but every time I open my email, I’m deluged with dic pics from creeps all over our broadcast area,” said Crumb. “It’s disgusting. Do guys really think women are like, ‘Hey, that’s hot!’ Well, sorry to break it to you fellas: Most of the time, we just laugh at you.”

Det. Charles Nelson Reilly of the Cohoes Police Department’s Sex Crimes Unit, said while he welcomes the CRPH program, he’s not entirely sure it will be effective.

“The guys that do this kind of crap really have nothing going for them,” said Reilly. “Their just pervy little sickos. But hey, as long as they’re off the streets, then everybody wins, I guess.”


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