Uncle Sam's Ghost Moving To Canada If Trump Wins Election

By Dodie Fingerton

Published October 25th, 2015

Sam Wilson haunting Oakwood Cemetery (Original Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade)

TROY— The spirit of the United State's most patriotic citizen has made it clear: If Donald Trump becomes president, he will live out the rest of his afterlife north of the border.

The ghost of Samuel Wilson — the personification of the United States known as “Uncle Sam” — has haunted the Oakwood Cemetery in Troy since his death in 1854. But all that could change if The Donald wins next November.

“That this buffoon is leading the polls shows just how stupid the citizens of this once-great country have become,” Wilson's ghost told The Smudge.

The Troy business man who came to embody the nation's patriotic spirit when he supplied rations to troops during the War of 1812 cites Trump's immigration and health care reform policies, along with remarks concerning daughter Ivanka, as motivating factors behind his potential relocation north.

“I think it's creepy how he keeps saying how hot Ivanka is, and how if he weren't her Dad, dot-dot-dot…. It makes me sick.”

Myrtle Kaspashian, a Troy school teacher who died in 1905, says Wilson's serious.

“I've haunted with him for years and I gotta say I've never seen him this irate before. That Trump fella's really gotten under his skin.”

Jebediah Horton, an upholsterer from Wynantskill who was murdered with a rusty coiled spring in 1868, agreed.

“Sam's normally a level-headed guy,” he said. “But I watched the last Republican debate at his mausoleum and he went ape-shit. I really think he's gonna move if that knucklehead gets in.”

Cemetery officials, however, are downplaying the matter.

“It's just Sam being Sam,” said Oakwood's head groundskeeper, Mike Cornwheel. “He said the same thing in 2004, but he didn't move when Bush got re-elected. He just likes to make threats — he's a ghost, after all. But the truth is, phantoms can't just up and haunt any old place. That's silly.”

Despite Wilson's rhetoric, Cornwheel says the spook's happiness is still of utmost importance.

“Listen, he's our most famous ghost and he's a great haunter. He scared the shit out of me just the other day, in fact. So, of course we want him to stay. Oakwood's his home.”

Though Wilson appreciates Cornwheel's honeyed words, he says this isn't a case where his mouth is writing checks his spectral body can't cash.

“I swear, if I hear one more dead guy say to me, ‘Boy that Trump really tells it like it is,’ I'm gonna snap. Then I'm off to Canada! I promise.”


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