Cohoes Mastodon Believed to Be Gay

By Fred Furnace

Published November 8th, 2015

COHOES – The Capital Region's scientific community confirmed this week what many have long suspected: the world famous Cohoes mastodon was most likely homosexual.

"Although we may never know with 100-percent accuracy, we now have enough scientific evidence to conclude the Cohoes mastodon was probably gay," said Fink Hinkle, a scientist with the State Prehistoric Animal Commission.

Hinkle said the commission studied the mastodon's DNA sequencing using state-of-the-art computers and scientific algorithms, all of which pointed to the conclusion that the mastodon likely preferred the company of other male mastodons.

Hinckle added that anecdotal evidence also shows the mastodon had his nipples pierced and the words "Julio was here" tattooed on his left thigh.

Cohoes Mayor Sean Moose was unfazed by the findings, saying the city stands behind its big gay mascot all the way.

“What mastodons may have done in the privacy of their own caves is no business of the City of Cohoes," Moose said. “We love that big fella, and we don't care if he was gay, straight, bi or transgendered. As long as he votes Democrat each year – which he does – he’s okay with us.”

The big gay Cohoes mastodon is on display for public viewing at the New York State Museum from 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tuesday through Sunday.


RELATED ARTICLES

• Waterford Women Tired Of Hearing About Cohoes Mastodon
• Cohoes Swallowed By Category-5 Pot Hole
• Applebee’s Ushers in 'Foodie revolution' in Cohoes
• Whites in Cohoes Divided over Ethnic Cuisine
• Town of Waterford Disappears Leaving Locals Flummoxed