Deadheads Blame Rash of Bad Trips On John Mayer's Face
By Scott Salad
Published November 8th, 2015
Photo courtesy of Eric Chan
ALBANY— Grateful Dead fans are holding pretty-boy guitar virtuoso John Mayer responsible for the outbreak of mass-psychosis that sent hundreds of people to area hospitals last week.
Following Mayer's Times Union Center performance with Dead and Company —the band formed by Grateful Dead members Bob Weir, Bill Kreutzmann and Mickey Hart — area emergency rooms reported a spike in psychedelic crises believed to be triggered by the swaggering axe-man's cocksure mug.
“Before dropping acid, concert-goers need to be aware that John Mayer is touring with this incarnation of the Dead,” warned State Police Sgt. Peter Flogg. “Clearly, acute exposure to his smug good looks, in combination with a strong hallucinogenic, can have an adverse effect.”
In total, 620 drug-induced Mayer-related freak-outs were reported in the Capital Region following the October 29 show, with the most serious involving a 57 year-old 4-H teacher from Niskayuna.
Curtis T. Shappens is clinging to reality at the Seven Zephyrs Rehabilitation Center in Saratoga after dropping what friends say was "a heroic does of high-grade LSD" minutes before he was told the soft-rock sensation would be filling in for the late Jerry Garcia.
“Curt started twitching when Mayer took the stage,” said Denise Potterman, a friend of Shappens who agreed to be his trip sitter for the evening. “At that point, I knew he was in for a rough night.”
Shappens — who believes his consciousness is still partially trapped inside a cosmic, five dimensional void — said that when the band began jamming to “Playing in the Band,” he felt his entire awareness sucked toward Mayer's face and into “an infinite expanse permeated by dense nothingness that may have once housed a human soul.”
“His face is a geometrically defined region of space time,” Shappens said from underneath his hospital bed at Seven Zephyrs. “Nothing can escape it's gravitational pull, not even light. I was jerked into a collapsed star! A black hole, man!”
Mayer — who's girlfriends have included Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift and Katy Perry — denied reports that he's intentionally absorbing all surrounding black holes of lower mass in an effort to achieve supermassive black-hole status.
“That's ridiculous,” said Mayer from a hotel room in Philadelphia. “I'm simply a dense stellar cluster undergoing a core collapse who happens to enjoy jamming with friends.”
No word on whether the tour — which many believe is a public health concern at this point —will be canceled, or if Mayer will be replaced with an older, fatter, hairier and less accomplished guitarist more in line with what fans expect to see while tripping balls.