Local Douche Won't Shut Up About "Epic Run" on Draft Kings
By Fred Furnace
Published November 22nd, 2015
LATHAM — A Latham man has pulled together a string of three consecutive victories on the fantasy football site Draft Kings and, according to acquaintances and co-workers, has become “insufferable” in his self-adulation.
Zach Poink, a tech salesman and self-described "fantasy football genius," says he decided to give Draft Kings a try to "get in on all the action" he was hearing about on television.
Poink, of course, is referring to the never-ending deluge of commercials for Draft Kings and Fan Duel — the obnoxious fantasy football gambling sites that have spent millions on advertisements this fall.
"The commercials said I could play for free and become a millionaire," explained Poink, "so I had to get me some of that. I'm way better at fantasy than any of those other chumps. I’m awesome.”
After a slow start in which Poink actually lost $600, the dorky tech salesman has pulled together three consecutive wins and is now even for the year.
"I’m on an epic run, bro," Poink said. "Sit back and watch the genius work. I’m gonna be rich!”
But co-workers said Poink's "epic run" has transformed him from "kind of an annoying dork" to an "insufferable douche."
"This moron thinks we are impressed by his fantasy sports nonsense," said one female coworker, tired of hearing Poink drone on about his exploits. "No one gives a shit. Go away and die, loser."
"He has become an insufferable douche," said a male co-worker. "Bragging about how you drafted Derek Carr and Antonio Brown in week 10 doesn’t make you look like a genius or seem interesting. It makes you a fucking loser."
M. Norman Bunny, professor of Behavioral Psychology at the University at Albany, said Poink is not alone in his obsessive fantasy football delusion.
“These daily and weekly fantasy sports sites are parasites that prey on the minds of the weak,” he said. “To fantasy dorks, these sites are an addictive drug.
“These young men should be out trying to get laid, like normal guys their age,” added Bunny. “Instead, they sit by their computer looking for something called ‘sleeper picks.’ It is really disturbing, and I applaud the state of New York’s efforts to shut these sites down.”
But Poink remains undeterred.
“The government needs to step-off and mind its own business,” he stated. “In just a few more weeks, I’m gonna be rich and famous. I just need to spot a few more sleepers, which I will totally do. This is gonna be my time to shine, brah.”