‘Exhausted’ Troy to Seek Help After Dissing Cops

By Pug Ransom

Published November 22nd, 2015

River Street, Troy, NY(Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade)

TROY — The beleaguered City of Troy will take a hiatus from governance to undergo extensive counseling for temporary insanity and exhaustion in wake of reports that it refused for nearly two months to pay the legal bills of two police officers shot during a confrontation with a violent suspect.

Troy Mayor Bill Marinara-Ricotta confirmed to The Albany Smudge that the city will enter therapy, admitting to a reporter that, “yeah, we look pretty fucking bad on this one, don’t we?

“You know, we just thought maybe if we showed these officers some tough love, they wouldn’t go putting themselves in dangerous situations like this,” said Marinara-Ricotta. “I dunno, maybe we didn’t think this one through too well.”

The two city police officers have not worked since being wounded in late August during a shootout that ultimately claimed the life of the suspect they were pursuing. For many residents, the incident underscored the escalating violence that has marred the city over the past year.

But when the union representing the officers submitted a bill to City Hall associated with the legal costs of the case, officials ignored the request for payment. It wasn’t until the union went public that Troy finally agreed to cover the officers’ $5,000 legal expense.

“Yeah, our bad. Totally. It’s just that, you know, we’re really fucking tired,” said Marinara-Ricotta. “Bad shit keeps happening here. Bullets are flying around like it’s the Old West, people are brawling with cops at urban night clubs, and then a few months back some thug knocks out a guy dressed as a clown walking down the street. It’s just too much. Enough already.”

M. Norman Bunny, a professor of Behavioral Psychology at the University of Albany, said Troy’s behavior is a classic example of “avoidance.”

“The city basically thinks if it just ignores all the annoying shit going on, it will go away,” Bunny said. “Let me tell you, I’ve tried that before with my wife. It doesn’t work. Troy’s so crazy it’s almost retarded. It needs help — immediately.”


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