Local Vagrant Cuts Ties With Hipster Son

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published December 6th, 2015

Gas Can Bob's hipster son, Elijah, says his dad was never there for him.

ALBANY — One of the most well-known members of the Capital Region’s homeless community has confirmed he’s disowned his only child, claiming he’s completely “embarrassed” by his son’s “hipster” lifestyle.

Gas Can Bob, often seen panhandling at the corner of State and Swan streets when the Legislature is in session, said he cut his 26-year-old son, Elijah, out of his life after running into him on Lark Street three weeks ago.

“I had just been awaked by a police officer who told me I was not allowed to sleep off my drunk in the doorway of Justin’s,” said Gas Can. “So, I grabbed my shopping cart and sack of broken light bulbs and headed down Lark Street toward the Armory. And that’s when I ran into Eli. Holy shit, he looked like a goddamn bum.”

Elijah, a SUNY Oneonta graduate, lives on Chestnut Street in the city’s Center Square and works as an entry-level web developer making $33,000 a year.

“You’d think with that kind of salary, he’d dress presentably,” Gas Can said. “Seventy-three degrees out and he’s wearing a goddamn wool hat. On top of that, he’s got a pair of these Jesus sandals on; big, thick black retard glasses and he’s carrying a goddamn purse. He said it was a satchel. Satchel, my ass. The boy was carrying a purse. He looked like a dirty sissy.”

Upon learning he’d been disowned by his father, Eli laughed.

“Is that right? Good to know. Before running into him that day I hadn’t seen him since I was 8 years old,” Eli said. “He’s got a problem with my satchel? The guy’s name is Gas Can. He got that name because he huffs gas all day. He has four brain cells left.”

Gas Can acknowledged he huffs a half-gallon of unleaded each day.

“Still, that’s no excuse for him becoming some clove-smoking hipster,” Gas Can said. “When I left him and his mother to live in a box, I expected his mom to raise him to be a man instead of someone who prances around town looking like some fairy bookworm.”


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