Judge Rules Schaghticoke Man’s ‘Terrorist Hunting Permit’ Invalid
Published December 6th, 2015
ALBANY – A local extremist’s ‘terrorist hunting permit’ purchased at an area Army-Navy store carries no weight under the law, a federal judge has ruled.
“You have got to be shitting me,” a shocked Charlie Shackwater said in an interview with the Smudge. The Schaghticoke man said he woke up last Tuesday, packed some Milwaukee’s Best and shotgun shells into his pick-up truck and set course for Syria with a quick stop first on Lark Street.
"I guess you could call me a red-blooded American," said Shackwater, clad in Army fatigues, his favorite 'No Mas Illegals' t-shirt and a baseball cap that said 'Ask Me About My Conservative Grandchildren.'
The 38-year-old self-described "Patriot" explained that a day earlier, he purchased the permit at an area Army-Navy Store in the city under the belief it would grant him wide legal authority to hunt terrorists wherever he wished.
"You'd be surprised how many folks we get from Rensselaer County who believe these terrorist hunting permits are real," said Jock North, the storeowner. "It's as real as my 7-year-old grandson's toy police badge. But at least my grandson knows that's a fake."
The license said: “No Bag Limit – Tagging Not Required” and that its holder “May Hunt Day Or Night With or Without Dogs.”
But to Shackwater’s dismay, just before he left to hunt terrorists, he received a call from a federal court clerk informing him that Judge Ernie V. Probots reviewed Shackwater’s permit and found it to be nothing more than an “joke” and “gimmick” that “even the dimmest of bulbs should recognize is totally and completely worthless.”
Shackwater was dumbfounded.
“I asked my friend, Zeke. He told me that under the law, this is a totally legal and federally approved terrorist hunting license," Shackwater said. "Can’t this commie pinko judge read English?”
Shackwater said he now plans to sue.
“Thank you Mr. Barack Hussein Obamer, or as I call him, the terrorist-in-chief," Shackwater said. "This would never have happened under President Reagan. Indeed, freedom is dead.”