Blitzen AWOL —Santa Fears Reindeer Has Joined Jihad
By Fred Furnace
Published December 20th, 2015
NORTH POLE – A disturbing report from Santa’s Village suggests one of his most-trusted reindeer has hanged up his jingle bells to fight alongside terrorists.
The Smudge has learned that Blitzen, who helps drive Santa’s sleigh along with Rudolph and the others, may have become radicalized on a recent trip to Syria. The storied reindeer has been reported missing, and North Pole authorities fear he has abandoned his post to join the terror group ISIS.
"Blitzen has always been prone to violence," said longtime running mate, Donner. "It looks like he finally snapped. It's a real shame."
"I can't believe it," said Cupid, the reindeer who normally flies in the row directly ahead of Blitzen. “Sure, Blitzen is a troubled guy and has faced his share of demons. But I never expected he would become a full-fledged terrorist. I mean, holy crap!"
Santa’s elves are also in a state of shock.
"Those ISIS guys are some real bad dudes," lamented Alabaster Snowball, the elf who administers the naughty and nice lists. "It’s nothing but coal for those bastards; every single one of them is on the naughty list.”
North Pole gadfly Sam the Snowman said Blitzen received permission to travel to Lake George this past October to compete in the World Reindeer Games. It is now believed, however, that he actually spent that week in Syria being recruited by ISIS.
It is not clear why Blitzen chose to visit Syria, but sources in law enforcement believe it is "highly likely" he became radicalized during the trip and has returned to join ISIS full time.
“Since Blitzen can fly, we believe he was able to enter Syria without tipping-off the authorities or filling out the necessary forms,” said FBI Albany Bureau Chief Lance Moore.
"We have credit card records tracing him to Olive Garden restaurants in Damascus and Homs,” Moore added. “And he repeatedly posted selfies of himself with what appear to be ISIS fighters on his Twitter account — @realblitzen69."
If Blitzen has joined ISIS, then it means one of the world’s most beloved Christmas figures has now become Public Enemy No. 1.
"If he is indeed a terrorist, we will have no choice but to treat him like a terrorist once we get our hands on him,” Moore said. “That means torturing him for information, then torturing him just for fun, and eventually killing him without any record that we ever captured him in the first place.
"Of course, since he's magic and can fly, capturing him seems very unlikely,” Moore cautioned.
Meanwhile, Santa is reportedly "pissed" over the news, and is making public pleas for Blitzen to return home in time for Christmas Eve.
"Blitzen, if you are out there and can hear this message, you better get your ass back here immediately,” the Jolly Ol’ Elf demanded. "These packages aren't going to deliver themselves, now, are they?”