Cheapskate Dad Adopts December Baby to Save Money On Xmas Gifts
By Quack Davis
Published December 20th, 2015
The Knockwurst Family
CLIFTON PARK — A budget-conscious banker talked his wife into adopting a baby this month so they could combine the infant’s birthday with Christmas and save money on gifts.
“What’s the big freaking deal?” said Derek Knockwurst, 31. “I don’t recall Mary and Joseph going out and buying Jesus two presents. Do the math. Way cheaper.”
Knockwurst said he spent the entire month of March trying to impregnate his wife, Nellie, so that she would give birth in December, but ultimately failed.
“Derek made love to me almost religiously throughout March,” said Nellie, 30. “But, once he realized we weren’t going to produce a baby in December, he went back to wearing condoms.
“He said we could always try again to conceive… well, as long as we did so in March of next year,” Nellie continued tearfully, adding it’s been her life’s dream to give birth to her own child. “It's OK, really. Derek is right. He’s only looking out for us.”
Derek shook his head in agreement.
"Giving some rug-rat extra Christmas presents just because it’s the anniversary of his birth is not fiscally responsible," he said. " We can use that money to get me a new set of golf clubs or nifty pair of shades or some cool shit like that. Plus, this way Nellie won’t get fat.”
His wife began crying again. Her husband rolled his eyes.
“Hey, we don’t have to adopt at all,” Derek quipped. Then, turning to Nellie, he said: “Stop being a baby.”
Slab Hightower, a longtime friend of the Knockwursts, said while it’s “beautiful” that the Knockwursts have turned to adoption, he acknowledged Derek was adopting for the wrong reasons.
“My sense,” he said, “is that Derek is being a total fucking cheapskate.”