'War On Christmas' Vets Say They Need More Help From VA

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published December 20th, 2015

A Navy vet of the 'War on Christmas' awaits PTSD counseling.

ALBANY — A handful of protesters gathered Saturday outside the Stratton VA Medical Center, demanding the hospital devote resources exclusively to the care of veterans of the War on Christmas.

“The men and women who so bravely volunteer to defend this holiday from the onslaught of PC-extremism should not be forgotten,” said Nesbitt Varney, president of Albany’s Right Wing Veterans for the Annihilation of Liberal Indoctrination. “We must no longer be complacent in treating the very real trauma this make-believe war has caused.”

Though fought completely in the imagination of Fox News viewers and Tea Party members, hostilities in the War on Christmas typically reach a fever pitch from mid-November through the first week of January.

That’s when Fox bomb-thrower Bill O’Reilly makes his annual proclamation that American Christians face the very real threat of losing Christmas forever because some misguided school board in the middle of nowhere decided that — in order to avoid costly litigation threatened by some bored and lonely leftist seeking attention — the name ‘Jesus’ cannot be included in any holiday songs during the fifth-grade concert.

“This is a nation that was founded on Judeo-Christian values, under which my forefathers went out each year and bought gifts they could not afford and put them under a sparkly aluminum Christmas tree next to their couch,” said Carlisle Bannister of Cohoes. “If you think I’m willing to sit idly by as some pansy leftist attempts to rid our culture of this joy, then you got another thing coming, mister. That’s why I made the sacrifice I did. That’s why I put a bumper sticker on my car that said, ‘Keep the Christ in Christmas!’”

Coop Bellweather of Bethlehem said he enlisted in the war after a local chapter of the American Civil Liberties Union — as part of an obvious fund-raising stunt — sued a nearby town over a nativity display outside the public library.

“I live in Bethlehem, the very birthplace of Jesus. Ain’t no way some whiny liberal is going to tell us we can’t throw God’s son in a crib out along side of the highway.”

Told that Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, not Bethlehem, N.Y., Bellweather poked his index finger into the chest of a Smudge reporter and said, “You, sir, are a Pinko.”

Stratton spokesman Derp Ceelo said he’s not quite certain exactly what the hospital can do to meet the protestors’ demands.

“Since this is an imaginary war,” said Ceelo “maybe we can hire an imaginary team of doctors to treat these nuts.”


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