North Colonie Teens Protest Lack of High-End Apparel Options

By Fred Furnace

Published January 3rd, 2016

COLONIE – The area’s limited number of high-end shopping venues had teens from North Colonie on Saturday “on the verge of rioting.”

Approximately 200 spoiled North Colonie teens held a rally at Colonie Center to protest what they claim are "unacceptably poor options” for buying high-end apparel and accessories.

Despite the recent addition at the mall of Nordstrom Rack, the teens claim the area suffers from an “utter lack of selection and assortment” when it comes to expensive clothing, such as preppy favorites Vineyard Vines, Patagonia, and Ralph Lauren, or blue-chip designer brands Louis Vuitton, Fendi, Gucci, Burberry, and Tory Burch.

The local chains don’t carry nearly enough of “the good stuff,” they say, and the smaller boutiques “are all picked-over” from Christmas.

“Am I supposed to be happy with only one color of this Patagonia hoody," asked a clearly agitated Chet Brockseiller, a junior at Shaker High School. "How the fuck am I supposed to coordinate my wardrobe?"

Other protesters charged that the limited choice of expensive-designer brands locally is impacting their overall happiness and well-being.

   "What’s the point of getting a new BMW for Christmas if I can't go shopping for some new Vineyard Vines a few times a week," asked senior Matt Galligan-McPrice. "The government needs to do something about this situation, and they need to do it now.”

Shaker Principal Clemons Smith said school administrators are desperately trying to lure retailers Neiman-Marcus, Barney’s, and Saks Fifth Avenue to the area to help ease the suffering. In the meantime, he is encouraging students to either shop online or substitute slightly lower-quality products from existing area retailers such as J.C. Penny or Boscov’s.

"That asshole probably thinks we'll be happy wearing Columbia jackets from J.C. Penny,” moaned one Shaker High junior, who asked not to be identified for fear that it might hurt his chances of getting into Williams College next fall. "That shit might fly in South Colonie, but not here. I wouldn't be caught dead in that stuff."

"It will be a cold day in hell before I let anyone wearing a Columbia fleece get into my car," added senior Robyn Cox, who said her family has instituted a “North Face or better” policy when it comes to allowing others to ride in the family’s new Tesla.

Some North Colonie parents say they have no choice but to drive their kids to New York City, Boston, or Montreal until the shortage of expensive closing options is addressed. 

"It's a total pain, but it’s a matter of principle," said attorney Kenneth Trace, a father of two high school students. Trace says he has driven his kids to Manhattan twice in the past week to shop for appropriately priced clothing.

“I didn’t raise my kids,” said Trace, “to wear inexpensive crap.”


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