Expert: Terrorists Are Winning Thanks To ‘Star Wars’

By Pug Ransom

Published January 3rd, 2016

A grown man and father of nine heads to the 9:50 PM
showing of Star Wars at Crossgates.

ALBANY — A top national security expert says while the Islamic State’s success in spreading its reign of terror is “undeniable,” the blame is neither that of President Obama nor Republican lawmakers.

Instead, renowned security analyst Nebbish Kaiser told a capacity crowd at UAlbany Sunday night the rise of ISIS is related directly to the “alarming number of adult men in America uncontrollably excited by, and obsessed with, the new Star Wars movie” The Force Awakens.

“Do you, for one second, think that men from the Greatest Generation acted like a bunch of geeked-out pansies when The Maltese Falcon was released in 1941?” asked Kaiser, rhetorically. “Of course they didn’t. But today, instead of taking care of business and making sure their families and communities are safe, I see men running around wearing Dark Vadar masks, or whatever that guy is called, and swinging around glow-in-the-dark plastic swords. Is it any wonder the terrorists are winning?”

Kaiser — a former Central Intelligence Agency operative during the Nixon administration who now serves as executive director of the national security think tank, KILL — said adult men “got their priorities all scrambled up.”

“By age 18, the only force a man should be awakened by is the thought of Barbara Stanwyck in her bathing suit or a jihadist shoving a bomb up his ass,” Kaiser implored. “Unfortunately, guys today get all giggly over a robot inside a garbage can talking gobbly-gook. I mean, what’s the deal?

“The force right now is with ISIS because rather than taking up arms and forming militias, American dorks are dressing up like they are going to a costume party just to wait five hours in line for a ticket to see this Jar-Jar Binks character.”

Following the speech, the floor was opened for a brief question-and-answer period. That’s when Kenneth Rash of Guilderland stood up and asked Kaiser:

“I’m wondering whether you could comment on the duality of how J.J. Abrams restored that old Star Wars feel to this latest movie and yet still managed to breath new life into the franchise.”

Replied Kaiser: “Son, stay right there. I’m going to step down from this stage, walk over there and disembowel you.”


• ISIS mulls Spa' theme restaurant
ISIS Dumps Watervliet Member for ‘Buy American’ Stance
• Judge Rules Schaghticoke Man’s ‘Terrorist Hunting Permit’ Invalid
• Colonie’s ‘Sonic Boom’ Results in Soaring Crime
Blitzen AWOL —Santa Fears Reindeer Has Joined Jihad