Massage Chair Freeloaders Causing Fire Hazard at Brookstone

By Quack Davis

Published January 10th, 2016

Gussy Tatsbu of Cohoes enjoying the Panasonic EP30007 Real Pro
ULTRATM with Advanced Quad-Style massage chair at Brookstone.

GUILDERLAND -- Hundreds of tightwad shoppers are dangerously clogging Crossmates Mall just to sit and unwind in a massage chair at the Brookstone store.

Fire officials say the freeloading "customers" are causing a needless fire hazard — one that threatens to bring business at the mall to a grinding halt if not rectified.

"This is a disgrace," said Guilderland Fire Chief Lonnie Aquafina. "It’s extremely dangerous and possibly deadly."

Ironically, while talking with the Smudge, Aquafina was not working but waiting to sit in the chair himself.

"I've got a sore back, OK?" the chief said defensively. "I'm not like one of these sponges here. I really need a frickin' rubdown."

The parade of penny-pinchers stretched into the parking lot of the mall, said Beaver Lewis, a spokesman for the Petersborough, N.H.-based chain.

“Our store there has been booming for sure,” Lewis said proudly. But then, he frowned and added: “If only customers would buy some of our products rather than just stand there and wait to sit in the chair."

Drew McDuck, a local software tycoon, said he rode a limousine “all the way from Loudonville” to squat in the chair.

“It is like having your own personal masseuse. And the best part is, it’s all free,” he said.  “Just amazing.”

Guilderland mailman Riles Nacker, whose back has been sore from carrying holiday cards last month, said he “badly craved” a backrub.

“A massage was out of my price range, so I came here,” Nacker said. “I get to chill out and it costs me zippo. Everybody wins!”

But Gussy Tatsbu, an assistant plumber from Cohoes, said he was less than impressed with the massage he received from the chair. In fact, so unsatisfied was Tatsbu that he demanded a refund for the time he spent waiting on line, claiming he could have spent that time in other stores perusing and using products he did not intend to buy.

“Yeah,” said Lewis. “Mr. Tatsbu won’t be receiving anything.”


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