‘Affluenza’ outbreak Hits Saratoga High

By Dodie Fingerton

Published January 10th, 2016

Over a 1,000 students at Saratoga are now suffering from Affluenza, a virus
that only targets the elite.

SARATOGA SPRINGS — The World Health Organization warned that the Affluenza outbreak at Saratoga High School is likely to grow as the number of students infected with the spoiled rich-kid disease hit 1,000 on Thursday.

The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta confirmed 26 new cases over the weekend, while the number of people who have reported injuries and/or property damage due to wealthy teenagers acting without conscience grew to 679.

“This virus targets the young, rich and entitled,” said Dr. Eugene Breath, a virology expert with the CDC who worked on the SARS outbreak in 2005. “Saratoga High School made the perfect breeding ground.”

Breath also believes the media frenzy surrounding the recent capture of Ethan Couch — the troubled Texas teen whom the affluenza virus was named after — may have added fuel to the fire.

“The chances we had at containing the virus were squashed once that little shithead's antics hit the 24-hour news cycle,” Breath told The Smudge.

Couch made headlines in 2013 after his involvement in a drunken-driving accident that left four people dead. A psychologist testified at his defense, stating on record that the upper-class teen suffered from “affluenza”— a condition, his lawyers argued, which prevents the privileged from distinguishing right from wrong.

The 18-year-old was sentenced to drug- and alcohol-free probation, but fled the country last month with his mother, Tonya. The two were later caught in the lavish Pacific coast resort of Puerto Vallarta on December 28 after several make-believe eyewitnesses reported an arrogant asshat snorting blow off a high-priced hooker's bosom while windsurfing.

“Mr. Couch is patient-zero when it comes to affluenza,” said Breath. “We think that once the filthy-rich kids in Saratoga learned that they could blame their horrendous conduct on a contagion, it spread like wildfire.”

The Spa City outbreak began shortly before the holiday recess when police responded to a string of incidents involving well-to-do teens. Several arrests were made in cases that involved drug possession, underage drinking, driving while intoxicated, breaking and entering and disorderly conduct.

“It's been a nightmare,” said Saratoga Springs Police Chief Chazz Funderbunk. “I'm arresting a coked-up teen in a BMW every three hours. These goddamn rich kids are running amok.”

Classes are still in session even though half of Saratoga High's student body has come down with the illness. As health officials struggle to contain the outbreak, they are asking all students whose parents spent more than a $1,500 on them at Christmas to report the makeshift triage center located near the gym for evaluation.


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