Saratoga Springs to Bottle Its Air, Sell it to Stinkier Towns
By Fred Furnace
Published January 10th, 2016
People enjoying the air along Broadway in Saratoga.
(Photo illegally swiped from some guy posing as Matt Wade)
SARATOGA SPRINGS – The city of Saratoga — long famous for horse racing, mineral water, and homoerotic spas — may soon become famous for another export: its air.
Local businesses are gearing up to sell 16- and 20-oz. bottles of Saratoga air to less-affluent towns across the country. The bottles, which weigh next to nothing and appear empty, will bear a label reading: “100 percent natural fresh air from world-famous Saratoga Springs, NY.”
Saratoga Mayor Joanne Yepsen said Saratoga is the “perfect city” to sell its bottled air since it is "better in every way" than almost every other place on earth.
"Everyone admires Saratoga," she said. "People come from far-and-wide to visit our race track. They come to enjoy our natural springs and beautiful parks. They will drive around for hours looking for a parking spot, just to enjoy our culture and nightlife. Let’s face it: Saratoga is just plain better than everywhere else. And because everyone knows we’re better, we expect people will pay big bucks just for the opportunity to breathe some of our air.
“There is nothing like a good whiff of Saratoga,” Yepsen added, “to help brighten people's otherwise pathetic lives.”
City officials said orders are already “rolling in” from customers in places like Troy, Watervliet and Menands. Residents of those towns are reportedly "thrilled" they will soon be able to enjoy bottles of fresh Saratoga air from the comfort of their living rooms.
"Our air stinks," said Troy Mayor Billy Marinara-Ricotta. "I sometimes have to drive all the way to Saratoga just to get a little fresh air. So when I heard Saratoga was planning to start bottling the stuff, well, I was psyched.”
“This is big for us,” agreed Cohoes Mayor Sean Moose. “On a hot day, we can smell Troy from clear across the river. Having bottles of fresh Saratoga air should help offset that smell considerably.”
Bottles of fresh Saratoga Springs air are expected to hit shelves at area Price Chopper, Hannaford, and Whole Foods locations starting this spring.