Trump Cousin Seeks Schenectady’s Top Post

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published January 10th, 2016

Schenectady mayoral candidate, Duane Trump, arrives at a
campaign stop.

SCHENECTADY — Donald Trump’s third cousin, Duane, has announced he will run for mayor of Schenectady, saying Saturday that it’s time to re-ignite the Electric City.

Wearing a baseball cap bearing the slogan, “Make Schenectady Great Again,” Duane Trump made his announcement in front of the old abandoned Ground Round site on State Street, with his mail-order bride, Marina, standing at his side.

The centerpiece of his campaign, he said, will be his plan to build a wall around the city to keep “the riff-raff out from Scotia and South Colonie.”

“We need a wall — a really excellent wall to keep out all the rapists and terrorists and believe me, nobody builds a wall better than me,” said Trump, a retired real-estate agent who bragged he was worth “$16,000 — at least.”

“This open border we have now is essentially a gateway not only for the trash from Scotia and South Colonie, but Amsterdam too. I don’t care if it’s not politically correct: I will ban all people from Amsterdam.

“Plus, a wall will also keep all of our criminals trapped here, helping police round them up since they won’t be able to escape. It’s win-win. And I promise you, the wall won’t cost you a thing. I will make South Colonie pay for it with all the revenue that place generates from the thousands of mattress and auto-parts stores there.”

Ardsley Street resident Earl Bottoms said he liked what he heard from Trump.

“I think he makes a lot of sense. This place needs an enema, and he’s just the guy to stick the tube up our ass.”

Nipper Cotton agreed.

“Duane Trump is just what this city needs,” said Cotton, who’s owned a home in Mont Pleasant since 1978. “We’ve elected elite after elite and it’s gotten us no where. Some people call Trump ignorant, but the way I see it, ignorance is bliss and it’s time to bring some bliss back to Schenectady.”

Meanwhile, when asked about Trump’s assertion that South Colonie will pay for the proposed Schenectady wall, Colonie Town Supervisor Cricket Johnson snickered.

“Duane Trump is just as fucking crazy as his cousin,” she said.

“It’ll happen; she’ll pay,” Trump countered. “And it’ll happen because I know how to talk to people. People love me. I’m awesome.”


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