Mag: Even North Colonie Ugly Ducklings Are Sexy Swans

By Fenwick Jolsen

Published January 17th, 2016

A group-shot of Loudonville's ugliest people.

LOUDONVILLE — People magazine has named North Colonie’s ugly people the hottest ugly people in the nation.

The celebrity magazine — famous for its annual issue naming America’s most beautiful people —apparently stumbled upon the good looks of Loudonville’s least-good looking while visiting the town initially to do a feature on the wall that being built along Maxwell Road to keep South Colonie residents from infiltrating the tony enclave.

“It was a wonderful discovery, journalistically speaking, at least,” said People ombudsman Hobbit Crankshaw. “Our reporter had some free time and so she went to the Fresh Market on Route 9 to buy some very overpriced Salmon salad. While gasping at the tremendously high prices, she was floored by how good looking some of the shoppers were despite their being in sweatpants, oversized T-shirts and wearing no make-up. Who would have thought that anyone in upstate New York would be good looking at all?”

Crankshaw said making the finding even more remarkable was that earlier in the week, their reporter had run into a Price Chopper in South Colonie and immediately ran right back out of the store without buying a thing after being scared off by the “mutants” on that side of town.

“I think the term she used was ‘circus freaks,’” said Crankshaw.

Ingrid Scrivens, a professor of Beauty & Hotness at Latham’s Institute of Folic and Mascara Studies, said the widespread attractiveness in North Colonie is the direct result of the town being mostly populated by doctors, lawyers and high-end real estate agents.

“Since they all make so much money, none of their spouses work,” Scrivens said. “So, really, their only job is to work out all day, tan and keep their face moisturized.

“And lets be honest,” Scrivens added. “They know if they let themselves go, their husbands will get rid of them and that’ll be the end of the gravy train.”

Crankshaw said whatever the cause, “it’s working.”

“Some of the people our reporter saw at Fresh Market were so beautiful, it made her completely forget how much she was charged for peanut butter.”


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