Clifton Park Pol Says Town’s Excrement Has No Odor
By Quack Davis
Published January 24th, 2016
CLIFTON PARK – Sniff this, southern Saratoga County!
Town Supervisor Leaf Garvey has confirmed what local snobs have suspected for decades: The citizens of Clifton Park have odorless feces.
“I know, I know, it sounds like a joke right? Well, it’s not!” a beaming Garvey said at the start of Thursday’s Town Board meeting. “I’m thrilled to tell you all that our you-know-what doesn’t stink. How ‘bout them apples?”
Garvey said the town tested the droppings of hundreds of residents as part of yearlong study by scientists from New Jersey’s Rensselaer Pootechnic Institute, which has no relation to the more established RPI in Troy.
Scientists determined the fecal matter of Garvey’s townspeople is devoid of the foul reek of human intestine so commonly associated with the dung of people outside the upper middle-class community.
But that’s not all.
“As it turns out, our feculence smells wonderful,” Garvey said. “Don’t be afraid to sniff some of it. We’ll put a smile on your face!”
Jerry Marvelous, 80, a longtime town elitist, told the Smudge it was highly insulting for anyone to assume in the first place that the citizens of the suburban community might produce “something resembling common poop” in their toilets.
“This is Clifton Park,” Marvelous said. “We adhere to a higher standard.”
But not everybody agrees that local turd is without issue.
“I don’t know what the hell these people are smoking,” said Martin Mildew, who washes toilets at Shenendehowa schools. “These Clifton Park kids are freaking pigs. A lot of them crap their drawers. I wipe poop up constantly. It‘s a foul odor. It stinks. In fact, it smells just like the shit in Utica where I used to work. Maybe worse.”