Albany to Play Key Role in Making Air Travel Even Worse

By Fred Furnace

Published January 31st, 2016

ALBANY – United Airlines announced Monday it would be closing its major East Coast hubs at Newark and Washington Dulles airports to re-focus its operations at Albany International instead.

The airline said the move is part of United’s commitment to making air travel as inconvenient and unpleasant as possible for its passengers.

“Following our merger with Continental Airlines in 2010, we made it our mission to make air travel more expensive and less enjoyable for everyone involved,” said United’s CEO Oscar Munoz. “Relocating our hubs to Albany checks both of those boxes. I don’t know why we didn’t think of this sooner.”

The move is sure to be a boon for Capital Region residents, as direct flights will finally be available from Albany to other cities in the United States, as well as destinations in Europe, Asia, and South America.

“We’ve had the word ‘international’ in our name for 20 years now,” said Albany Airport Operations Manager Melvin Hightower, “but obviously that was a lie. If this hub thing happens, maybe we will finally be legit!”

Meanwhile, the news could not be worse for the other 99.4 percent of United’s passengers who live outside the Albany area.

“The creation of a hub at Albany makes no sense whatsoever,” said airline analyst Merg Hinglehoff. “Albany is a small town with a small airport. The facilities are not equipped to handle the sort of traffic United is talking about.”

“But even if that issue gets resolved, it still begs the fundamental question: who the fuck wants to fly through Albany, other than the twelve people who happen to reside there? It’s almost as though the people running United have lost their damn minds.”

In response to the announcement, Delta and American are reportedly also researching the possibility of establishing hub locations in small Upstate New York locations.

“United isn’t the only airline dedicated to making air travel intolerable,” said a Delta spokesman. “If they relocate to Albany, we would have no choice but to respond; possibly by establishing our own hub someplace awful, such as Syracuse, Utica, or Poughkeepsie.”

United's Albany hub is scheduled to begin operation in 2020.


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